Oct 26

Okay, have phoned Sue’s mum and dad and checked on Harry. He’s doing okay and they all sound like they are having fun. Cool.

It’s a really weird feeling. For the first time in 3 weeks I’m not responsible for a 2 year old. I don’t have to put him to bed. I don’t have to go and check on him when he wakes up crying. Not sure I like this idea but we’ll go with it and see where it takes me.

Decided on a quiet night on my own rather than getting some friends in, if I need to have a wave of grief wash over me and have a cry then that’s something that I can do on my own. Distraction just leads to prolonging the inevitable anyway.

I have boatloads of TV to watch. I need to get hold of episodes 2-5 of Agents of Shield. I have the whole of Breaking Bad to watch along with pretty much anything else that takes my fancy.

I need to rewatch Buffy and Angel – it’s something that Sue and I shared together and they are some of my all time favourite TV series. I’m going to save the rewatch until Harry is a little older and he can enjoy them with me. Although my Buffy and Angel boxsets will probably be a little Fawlty Towers to him (but I love Fawlty Towers) so he might not want to watch it. Buffy/Angel is meant to be certified 15 in places. We’ll see how that goes.

So many things to think about going forward, schools, parents evenings, exams. So many things that we should have been doing together and supporting each other with. So many things to think about.

Got a candle burning again. It’s the melons one (yay melons). Reminds me of Sue now. I might have to buy a few of them so I have a few years worth of use out of them.

Need to eat something, cba to cook. Cba to order pizza. Might have a bag of crisps (cue the comments of EAT SOME TEA!).

Funny day today. Not had harry for the last 5 hours. Going to be back in less than 24 hours probably, but it might be a long night, especially with that extra hour that I’d forgotten about.

It’s been over 2 years since I got to enjoy an extra hour in bed, it was more an extra hour of play. Which was probably more fun. Maybe it’ll be an extra hour of breaking bad tonight. We’ll see.

I should really start blogging again rather than writing stupidly long facebook posts. I guess there’s more of a captive audience here though. Never had so many people want to read things I’ve written. I should charge you all a pound per post (payable to make a wish of course).

Feeling more settled and content in my head, certainly more level headed and positive than yesterday. Yesterday was a deep dark place of depression. A darker place than I’ve ever been before.

Had some fun with the giraffe riddle this morning, have managed to turn at least 50 or 60 people into giraffes. I did the quiz last night so I only have one more day of being a giraffe. At least it’s a giraffe pic that Sue took

Looking through old photos is bringing me smiles. Smiles are good.

Living at my mum and dads house feels more natural again now. Our house feels like it isn’t mine anymore. It’s just full of my stuff. Need to start sorting that stuff out in the coming weeks. That’s going to be a tough job. Can’t help but think I need to do that before I can go back to work and get on with things again. Certainly the clothes and things. They all need sorting out sooner rather than later.

Hmm.

Reflective post.

I’m on BBC Radio Leeds on Monday morning at 08:40. They are sending a taxi to pick me up and will sort me out a ride home too. I’m okay inside the house. Have meltdowns after too long outside/in other places. They are interested in my overall message rather than just the donations to make a wish but will push the make a wish stuff too through twitter and Facebook – might even manage to get a couple more hundred pounds towards £8k. We’ll see.

Might bob into work after that and see how that feels being around more people. Just hope that there isn’t that massive awkward silence again when I walk through the door. That was well, awkward.

Taking each day as it comes. Hour by hour. I don’t know what else to do. Until Sue’s HR department get in touch I have no idea what is happening with regards to money, so don’t know what I can do about the car or about Harry or the future. I just don’t know.

Still so many uncertainties. But, I’m still here. Still breathing. Still alive. We’ll get through it, one way or another.

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